i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
