4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
