Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize