The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
