Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
