Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
