so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
