...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
