Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
