im having a threesome with these popsicles
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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