Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
