yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
