i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
