We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I pour the whiskey from now on
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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