Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
