a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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