god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
