I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
