Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
