i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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