There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
