how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
