Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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