Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
