So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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