its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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