Your dad touched me again.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
