Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
