I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
