I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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