DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
