dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
