Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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