I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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