I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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