I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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