I got chris browned last night
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
