Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
