i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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