So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
