Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
