No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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