It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
