Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
