Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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