um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
