I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
