dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
