Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
