Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
