I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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