It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
