I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Randomize
