We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize