Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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